Friday, July 16, 2010

Strength for today

It's been awhile since I updated my blog so I thought this would be a good time!

Our walk for the JDRF in May went extremely well. Our team was huge, consisting of family, friends, and students - turned friends - from my Zumba classes. We raised about $2,000 for research in Alyssa's name! Not bad for our first year and not really knowing WHAT to except as far as raising money goes.

Alyssa went to the endocrinologist this past Monday and her A1C went up to 8.6. Disappointing, but I know why... her blood sugars have just been all over the place especially this past month. With higher basal rates going on now (basal: insulin Alyssa receives every hour to keep her blood sugar leveled, bolus: insulin Alyssa receives for high blood sugars and for food) I'm hoping we can get a tigher reign on her numbers. Although every hour, every finger prick brings another decision. Give the full amount of insulin she needs? But what she decides to go out and play? Am I giving her too many carbs to boost her sugar up for exercise - will she burn enough? Will she drop too low? It's a guessing game, and you have to make decisions based on mostly motherly instinct and how you feel your diabetic child trends... a lot of times I'm wrong. Just the other day she was going to go swimming and I knew she'd be off her insulin pump for at least an hour. I tested her blood glucose - 140. Great number, almost exactly her goal of 120... but was it high enough for her to jump into the pool and swim around for an hour? Or would her blood glucose drop drasticaly as it often does when she exercises? I gave her a juice consisting of 24 carbs and let her swim for over an hour. When she got of the pool, I checked her blood glucose and it was 278. WHAT? An hour of exercise and she's higher? Frustrating.

It's been a rough week for me emotionally. Sometimes I tell myself that I should be over the fact my daughter is now a lifelong diabetic (until God willing, there's a cure). But then I have to remind myself (and occasionally have others remind me as well) that I might forever feel this way. There's good times, and before this week there had been a lot of them - I felt like I was getting all this down. But for some reason after her appointment this week, the rest of the week has been one big emotional rollercoaster. Filled with a lot of tears, or a lot of "on the verge" of tears. The grief just comes in waves - and the grief wave hit me big time this week.

Having your child diagnosed with a chronic, life-threatening disease can be a very isolating feeling. I feel alone sometimes because I don't have any friends in real life (I have some wonderful online support through Facebook who have diabetic kids) that have a diabetic child. I can tell them how much work it is til my face turns blue, but at the end of the day, I feel as if no one understands me and how exhausting diabetes is. And it's just that- exhausting. It never ends. It never takes a break. When I'm done giving her insulin, I think of when the next finger prick needs to be - and if she is having a high blood sugar, do we need to test ketones? Do a site change? IT NEVER ENDS!

I sometimes feel guilty for feeling this way. After all, I'm not the one with Type 1 Diabetes, my daughter is. I can go to the store and not have to give myself insulin, but she never will be able to. She of all people will never get a break. How is that fair?

One thing is for certain. Life ISN'T fair. Ever. I have to remind myself though that when those isolating feelings surround me... I'm not alone. I have my God. And He gives me the strength and the grace to deal with today. Because all I have to do is today. Just today.